3 posts tagged “death”

Christianity makes sense to me exactly because it explains what i have been observing and experiencing my entire life, that there is much more pain and suffering than peace and wholeness, not only in the world around me but in myself as well. Christ never ever promised a utopian rose garden where, if one followed Him, there would be happiness and blessings forever more. He said it straight out -- the world hated Him, and so it would hate His followers. When He sent His disciples out, He told them that when, not if, they would suffer persecution and death. However, in their sufferings Jesus promised that His followers would find purpose in their suffering. So much pain and suffering is seen as arbitrary and random -- often good men die and rats get fat. Yet to paraphrase CS Lewis, Christ died not to take away our suffering, but to make our suffering like His.

However, daily crucifixion and tension with a world that we are aliens and strangers too is not the whole story. As the Apostle Paul says, we are resurrected from our crucifixion to a new life, one that can and should be lived abundantly.

"Or have forgotten that when we became Christians and were baptized to become one with Christ Jesus, we died with him? For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives" (Romans 6:3, 4 NLT).

Joy is a complete mystery to me. I have learned over the years not to trust happiness, as that state of mind is often tied to circumstances beyond our control. One of my favorite movies, Tender Mercies, makes this point very well. Right when things seem to go well, often tragedy will strike. Robert Duval's character Sonny, the washed out yet redeemed country music song writer & singer, perfectly exampled this as he realized at the end of the movie that he had no clue as to why things happened as they do, that he could only trust on the mercy and will of God.

Joy and unhappiness often exist at the same time. It isn't any secret to those who have been reading this for almost a year now that i have been having a really bad day for about the last seven years. It has been a miserable and stark experience. I can count the number of times, on one hand, that i could have said i was happy. Yet at the same time i experienced times of joy so intense that often i was overwhelmed, and could only stare wind eyed in wonder at the love God had for me and had given to me to love others. I came to realize that happiness was dependent upon circumstances, while joy was an inner state of mind. Joy depends upon who we know ourselves to be, or, in my case, who God, thru the power of the Holy Spirit, created out of the ashes of my old, selfish man. Yet make no mistake: I was more often than not, by a wide margin, unhappy and depressed. As i look back with the benefit of hind sight, i realize now that if i wasn't feeling that way, then i probably wouldn't have qualified for the label "sane." These feelings were completely appropriate for the context I found myself in.

I think the key to this ability to be in mourning, or hurting, or depressed while at the same time experiencing intense and overwhelming joy has to do with the ability to crucify ones self and being raised again by the power of the Holy Spirit, the same Spirit that rose Christ from the dead.. Christianity has these two beliefs (the only agreement, imo) in common with Buddhism -- they both believe that life is suffering and that suffering can be excised. Suffering comes as a result of a person's desires or expectations. Our desires betray us every day, and expectations easily are frustrated due to our lack of ability to control the circumstances and people around us. That we live in such an idealistic society makes sure that more people suffer than ever before. This is why considering one's self as a dead man (or woman) walking can lead to the joy of the dead who resurrect: If one tries to save their life they will lose it, if they give their life away they shall find it.

Without desire or expectation, what can hurt us? I guess i shouldn't say that a Christian doesn't have desires or expectations, i should say that they have been radically translated and altered. Our desires and expectations are to be for the Kingdom of God, and while we are in this state of being all the other stuff we schemed and plotted and worried and obsessed over, things like respect, security, meaning, love, understanding, and even everyday things like food, water, and shelter, shall be provided for us by a loving heavenly Father. It comes down, from the beginning to the end, to trust, faith that God is who He claims He is, that Christ has done what He promised to do, that the Spirit gives these mortal bodies the ability to become disciples. Love, joy, peace, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, patience, and self-control -- are not these things, provided for us by the Godhead, the ingredients of an abundant life?

I firmly believe this: i laugh more fully and deeply now after all i have come thru than i did before.

I guess i'll be blogging about Bonnaroo tomorrow. My sister called and let me know that my uncle, the ex-army ranger that survived Omaha Beach, France, and Germany, has exactly the same kind of cancer that my Mom died of a few years back. The irony is this: My Mom died, in her early 60s, of a kind of cancer that only older men in the seventies generally die of, and my uncle is 84 years old. I remember the day my Dad, my brother and i had to tell Mom that instead of her terminal cancer going into remission so she could survive till Christmas, it had actually accelerated and she only had a few weeks left and today i felt the same emotions as my sister informed me of my uncle's condition.

My Mom's side of the family isn't doing very well. Besides dying of cancer, they seem to prefer to die alone of cancer. I really don't know my uncle all that well, which is not surprising as i didn't even know my own Mom all that well. They were a closed mouth, introverted bunch, impossible to relate too in any way that might give you confidence that you might actually know them well at all. The only exception is my cousin on my Mom's side, and -- surprise -- she has terminal cancer as well. I hold them all (except my cousin, she's in her 50s) in awe because they suffered more than the average generation. They survived the Depression, WW II, and they knew the concept of loss like i know my best friend. They faced things that many could not cope with, and they survived as a family -- stone cold poor, but as a family. Perhaps it was this that caused such difference. I know that after i went thru some severe medical afflictions in Jr. High and High School, that i was forever different than the rest of my class mates who never faced what i did, perhaps it is the same with my Mom's people.

I've blogged on this before, so i won't plow over the same field here. All i know is that i have only inherited some of my Mom's personality; i am a fairly balanced representation of both my parents, with a unique twist that is mine alone. I doubt very much that i am very well known to my immediate family, altho this is not my choice. I have the same dry sense of humor, the same silent internal discernment, the same detached personality that makes me a great reader and a ready observer. I literally pray to God, however, that when it comes my time to die that my family, my wife, won't remember me as a seemingly joyless and isolated figure that they/she really never got to know past surface actions and thoughts.

Fricking dogs. I'm beginning to wonder just who is the domesticated animal around here, them or me. One of these damn dogs keeps pissing in the upstairs bathroom and i can't quite figure out which one's doing it. Can i just say now they are soooooo lucky they ain't my dogs, or i'd push their noses in lake urine upstairs and smack 'em so hard upside the head they'd meet themselves next Wednsday. Dixie, she with a heart condition, is just in plain luck two Northeastern BoBos with dollars owns her, because anywhere west of the Missouri and south of the Mason Dixon line would end her heart problem with a hollow point. Is premeditate murder of a canine against Jewish Law? Fricking dogs.

Finished my book on writing a college history thesis and have been developing an argument and an outline. The more i think about this idea, the more ideas that keep coming to me. I have a lot of the books i need in my own library, books like Bloom's The American Religion and O'Hatch's The Democratization of Christianity. I have May's book on the two different foundings of the American experiment in self-government, along with a primary source book that includes Washington's letter to Tripoli. I have just about every biography of Keroauc ever written along with his writing journal and a book of essays, plus most of his fiction. I even have a book of Keroauc's haikus that have just been published.

Time is slipping away. I will try to blog again tomorrow afternoon and include a bit more of the mundane, but i have to get some winks. Tomorrow morning is MercyHouse, and i work at 6 pm to 2 am. I need to finish a perusal of a book on public history, monuments, and passing on tradition in early 20th century America. If that sounds fun to you, you have my profound sympathies...