10 posts tagged “prayer”

I have been having trouble adjusting to normality, mostly because i seem to be allergic to responsibility. For so long i was in crisis mode, and my behavior was strictly defined by the role i played. Played hell, i knew exactly who i was and what i was supposed to do -- the love of Messiah Jesus compelled me. The cool thing about being down and out is the lack of options one has to choose from -- you can improvise your life because really, you are powerless and have no choice except to go with what direction the current is going in order to find out what chance will pop up in a predetermined river course. Forrest was right when he thought that perhaps Lt. Dan's destiny theory and his Mom's random and arbitrary chance theory were pretty much happening at the same time (loved Forrest Gump -- every time i watch i weep for all the Jennys when she and Forrest kneel in the field to recite Psalm 55). I may not have known what was coming, but it was something that God has allowed, whatever it is that is coming my way.

I'm a poor man's Milton -- i really cannot justify or explain God's ways to men. I just know now that crisis mode is done for me and that there are some definite and completely different expectations upon me from the same my gang but also from a new bunch of people, expectations i am very familiar  with being unable to meet as i almost assume the disappointment i will be to whoever is stupid enough to depend upon me. Seriously? I walk around all day with this weird knot of stress balled up in my stomach, flinching and hunched because somewhere & somehow the other shoe that isn't mine is about to drop to signal my descent into some kinda new and unexpected cluster fuck that will be, of course, my fault.

I'm a semi-intelligent guy, and i know the drill. (There is a calmness underlying this emotion that i am describing, an underlying knowledge that i call faith. Perspective wise, what can really happen to me that hasn't already happened -- what do i have to fear, as nothing can separate me from the love of God? Although things can ALWAYS be worse, I have seen some pretty serious shit so it takes a lot for me to get concerned. I am aware of the platitude crouched in Christianese most believers would offer me at this point...)

I already intuitively know that i am the way that i am due partly to temperament, partly due to nurture. My Mother was a complex women, and none of the male gender in my family could have ever met any of the expectations she had for any of us -- me especially as it turns out that i was the great white hope outta my brothers and sisters. On top of everything else, when anyone opens the dictionary for the definition of "Passive/Aggressive," my picture and e-mail address is there instead.

I do know something, tho. I know where i've been, and i don't wanna ever go there again. Tonight i'm gonna retire this tune by Springsteen because this was my theme song for so long, my emotional address. It isn't anymore... I am also going to do my Evening prayers from the Book of Common prayer, as i have been struggling to be consistent in prayer.

The 4th has always been one of my favorite American holidays. On of the most vivid memories i have was of a 4th of July in my early 20s, watching the sun set in the western Nebraska sky. I will never forget the vivid yellow, the bright orange, or the mood i was in watching that particular day come to an end. The basic contradiction and paradox of being self-aware hit me that evening, and i was gripped by how quickly life passes by while just how ancient the world was by the time i was sitting there, looking out the window.

Today was very different from that day. It promised rain all day, then delivered on the promise, and then some. I went to meet an old friend i hadn't seen in quite a while who was visiting the area. He had his girl friend with him, and i was impressed; she was as smart as she was pretty. We had quite the lively conversation at a local Mexican taco shop, which included The topics of orthodoxy, universalism, freewill and predestination, discipline vs punishment, and God's grace. I enjoy our time together immensely.

By the time the parade was supposed to start it was raining at a pretty good clip and i hate parades in the rain. Me and the Mrs. decided to hit a favorite Greek establishment in South Hadley. It was a very good meal, i enjoyed The Wife's company We came back to Amherst and went to the local crafts store down by the strip mall. Afterwards we went home, and i decided to hit the movies while she got ready for a party. I saw the Transformers, which was actually a better movie than it had any right to be with what it had as subject matter. It was a fun movie.

I went to the Spoke to catch a beer while the Wife was still getting ready. Some of the old regulars were there, as well as some new people drinking for the holiday. I met a very pretty and a very drunk young lady who was born way after her time; she should have been born and come of age in the post war years. She knew a lot about the Beats, especially about Jack Kerouac, had lived overseas for a time, and was into folk music. She was from the Midwest, and had lived in Detroit and Chicago. And, she loved basketball. I'll be honest: it took a lot not to hit on this kid (She was a college grad, i don't know if the word "kid" actually fits) -- i may be older, but i swear she has an old soul. It is a good thing that i love God and my wife.

I have also been able to consistently do my Offices for the last couple of days, and to meditate up the quote i gave on my last blog.

"The first gate of entry to noetic Jerusalem - that is, to attentiveness of the intellect - is the deliberate silencing of your tongue, even though the intellect itself may not yet be still. The second gate is balanced self-control in food and drink. The third is ceaseless mindfulness of death, for this purifies intellect and body."
St. Philotheos of Sinai. Forty Texts on Watchfulness.

It has been a time honored method in Christianity to discipline speech, food, and thought in order to focus on relationship with God. The overwhelming need right now, for me, is to concentrate on balanced self-control in food. To often when i eat is is directly as a result of unbelief, of having a lack of faith, My food is comfort food, consumed in response to stress induced by one crisis or another. The second thing i will concentrate on is limiting my speech. What i know needs to be good enough for me, i don't have to articulate everything that crosses my mind. I also need the humility that awareness of my own mortality brings...

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning, then work. I better get to bed...

So i watched the last ep of "The Sopranos" last night and was a tad discombobulated -- as was much of the viewing public as the next day reactions came flooding in thru the media. It was a bit odd -- to build suspense like that in the last scene, copying almost exactly a scene from "The Godfather," where a hit man killed a mob family in a restaurant after he went to the bathroom to lock and load. It made it seem like everyone except Meadow was gonna get hit. Then, nothing. A very strange ending.

But not an unsatisfactory one. Sometimes the best revenge someone has, and the worst thing God can do to a person, is to give them over to whatever it is that they desire. Really, sometimes you're just better off dead, you know? AJ is a waste of space, so shallow and such a narcissist; Carm is compromised beyond redemption (i notice she doesn't go to Catholic services anymore) and has come to terms about just how she has such a material comfortable life; Tony is a friendless, depressed/bipolar mess and, altho not a sociopath (as Melfi thinks), is spiritually maimed beyond therapy -- there was a reason why Tony didn't see the ducks again; and Meadow was inspired to pursue a career in law because she thought the FBI mistreated Italians by how they treated her Dad, the fornicator, the adulterer, the murderer, and worse. Everything their lives are based upon is not what they think they are, everything has been corrupted and turned into the opposite of what they are supposed to be for the characters. The only thing that could be said for any of them is at least their kids will not be openly what their father and mother are, AJ won't be Tony and a Capo for the mob, and Meadow won't be Carm and married to a killer.

I honestly think that the worst, most terrifying words in Christian Scripture, besides Jesus saying on Judgment Day, "Depart from me, I never knew you," is Paul writing in the first chapter of Romans where he chronicles mankind's rebellion against God and remarks several time God's judgment: "He gave them over to _________." As anyone born of a woman launched themselves into free fall into the abyss, He just let them jump headfirst, deaf, dumb and blind.  The Seven Deadly sins are so named for a reason, instead of, say, the Slightly Harmful sins. Pride, the belief that man is the measure of all things, has killed us all, spiritually at first and then, eventually, physically. No one gets outta here alive. God indeed say that if the apple was eaten that the wages of disobedience would be death, the serpent was lying. Isn't Tony's and Carm's lives a kind of living death, where they have almost everything they want and yet it is all ashes in their mouths? Instead of the Journey Tony put on the juke box, it should have been the Stones singing "Satisfaction."

People are completely unable to find God on their own. When i was a youth minister, the buzz word was "relevant." It was though if you could use popular culture to get people to start questioning the status quo, that they would perhaps to begin to consider God. I have since learned that, a) people are looking for the God who is there like a crook on the run is looking for a cop, and, b) most people can not ask the right questions because they don't even know there is an answer.

I think God Himself has to give life to where there was only spiritual death. It is our job to live out the life God has given us and to proclaim Christ who gave us this life because only God knows the people He has chosen, as far as we are concerned we preach whosoever will, come. This is Reformed theology (more than slightly modified), of course, but it is the only thing that explains how when i preached an identical message to two kids in exactly the same places in their lives sitting next to each other in service that one's ears perked up and the other on fell asleep...

Oh well, just a ramble. In two days The Wife and i take off for Tennessee for Bonneroo Music Festival. I think it'll be fun, but i have to admit a thrill of forboding stirring in my chest. Ever get the sense that one shoe has dropped, and your just waiting for the other one? Yup, exactly. I have no idea why i have this feeling except that we are finacially stretched to the limit and are about to travel almost 40 hours in a rustbucket rice burner with a 170k on the odometer. But if ya just lived safe, wouldn't everything get boring?

I did three out of four Offices today, and it was good to read the Scripture in the midst of my day. A personal transformation thru the renewing of my mind... it felt good. I'm bringing my digital camera with me, and i will try to figure out how to post pics from my computer on this vox here. Ask Chris just how monumentally ignorant i am of technology and computers! If i don't Blog tomorrow, it won't be till next Tuesday that i will reappear, so hopefully i will be gone a short time without being forgotten.

It has been slow at work, which is bad as i get time to think. This is not a good thing, as my mind is very undisciplined and tends to think mostly on tangents.

I was thinking today about expectations and why people have them. Working in retail sucks, because before i did i had an idealistic fondness for People and for individual people. I may not be an extrovert, but i am not anti social by any means. After almost seven years in food service, it is safe to say that i loathe People, the abstract capital P People. It is not some sly, hidden contempt... Oh no. It is vivid and probably, if someone was on my wavelength, completely obvious. I still tend to like individual people, i think i could probably, outside of work, get along with almost anyone.

I hate People because of their blind, deaf, and dumb imperative to satisfy their basic needs by any means necessary. Watching people decide what they want and then ordering what they want is like working at Capistrano and watching the Lemmings leap into the sea, or like watching an irresistible tide eroding a coastline. It has occurred to me that this consumerism and self-interest is very much tied into the expectations my fellow Americans seem to have imprinted on their subconscious.

People are wired into believing that they can control their circumstances, and the people in those environs, in order to have their inner most needs, legit human needs like love, security,respect, friendship, food, water and shelter. They expect to have these needs met because as Americans we have figured out how to control so much, or at least we have the illusion of control. And because human being are flawed with an inbred will to power, they will see no restraints in getting these needs "managed," they will reject no strategy regardless of any morality, norms, or mores that would seem to be obstacles. As a matter of fact, people without a moments's hesitation will label their wants as needs, twisting what are legit needs into travesties of themselves, i.e., love turns into lust very easily, security to aggression and control. The ways in which people try to manipulate the situation and others around them are as varied as there are people, and range from blunt and obvious to subtle and clever.

A very good friend of mine, a supervisor, will walk into work and purposely push every button he can find to push with as many people as he can during their shift. By noon, the entire work place will be seething. Yet he will have had a good day, as everyone is busy obsessing and reacting to his provocations that he was able to establish the agenda and then control the situation. I am convinced that half the time, he is not even aware he is doing it. He doesn't put this shit with me anymore because after i figured this out, i figured the way to turn the tables on him everytime he tried to push my buttons.

My youngest brother and i have a great way to manipulate the people around us: sympathy. We can get almost anyone to take pity on us and help us out. Most of the time we don't even know that we are doing it, it is so second nature to our temperaments. The Bible warns that the human heart is so desperately wicked that no one can really know it, and to that i say "amen." My point is that there isn't anyone who hasn't developed something like this unique to their personalities and experience, and no one, not myself or anyone else, has the moral high ground.

This is why i am very glad that i have began to do my Offices again, and why i am very faithful to hear the Sunday morning sermon. I need the Law and the Gospel to be external of me, to have them preached at me from another source outside my own understanding. I need someone outside of myself to take me by the scruff of the neck and say that i have missed the mark, sinned, and have not lived up to God's expectations. I need someone else to tell me that although i don't deserve it, God is going to give me unmerited favor by not giving me what my actions deserve on any given day -- in short that because of Christ, and not because i am so cool or clever, God will give me grace and mercy and will forgive my sorry ass. I can justify my own actions too easily, too completely to trust that just me thinking and journaling is enough to transform me by the renewing of my mind.

When i say that i am tired of both, individual people and People, i am actually saying that i am tired of myself, and am not very proud of my lack of faith. It is God who will provide for my every need, whether material or not, and He loves me like a son, and will provide for me like a son. It is my responsibility to look up to God in prayer and worship, to look outside myself to forgive and serve others who have the same flaw i struggle with, and to love them despite themselves and myself. God will provide for us all.

What are my expectations? I guess that i shouldn't have any, except for the one that God will supply me with everything i need according to His riches in glory. Is part of the definition of life, and that more abundantly, to live without expectation of anyone except my heavenly Father? If so, is it even possible to imagine a life without expectations?

It is already the middle of May -- only a few more days until june, and this year will be half over. All i have to say about that is that time is a motherfucker, relentless and swift. Time is a strange concept to me; it is very strange to think about sequence and consequence. The future is rapidly made into the present and then just as quickly slides on to exist is the past, just a memory. And our memories suck, people. There is no way we can recall even a small percentage of what they eye sees, the ear hears, and the mind understands. Everything, the exception being God Himself, has a beginning and an end.

What really freaks me out about God is that he exists outside of time, as time is part of creation, something He came up with in His eternity. I'm not nearly bright enough to understand all the implications to this, although there are a few thoughts that have crossed my mind. If God exists both inside and outside of time, does that mean everything, past, present, and future, are happening at the same time? If so, does that mean that when i pray for my enemies, or about past instances of what others have done to me and mine, or what i have done to others, that when i went thru those things God hears the prayers of my future self?

One of my sisters was sexually abused by an older neighbor boy, and my heart has been continually broken over this for her. I think of this more often than one might think, and not only because i feel guilty that i didn't have the courage to do anything about it. I have this really odd memory that seems more like a dream of the kid chasing my sister around our living room while my dad was at work and my mom was taking a bath and i was too scared, as i sensed there was something really bad and dangerous happening that i didn't understand (i was 12, 13 yrs old?), and this kid was a bully (goes without saying). When i think about her, and the consequences of that asshole's actions in her life, on our familie's dynamic, i always feel compelled to pray for God to be with her as a little girl, to protect her mind and emotions as she went thru what she went thru, and to be with us all during that time. God is not the author of sin, and He did not make dumbass act out his warped fantasy life, but also on the other hand did nothing to stop what was going on. God has His own reasons for doing or not doing what He thinks is best. But i wonder if that prayer i pray about many years ago is something that is not too little to late or too long ago?

Also, if everything has already happened, or is happening all at once, then God already knows how the story ends and our destinies are already predetermined, as God has saw and judged future events and us. The end isn't near, its already come and past. The sheep have been separated from the goats, the wheat from the chaff, the justified from the unjustified. Our end is a done deal, we just don't know it yet because we are inside time, trapped in her sequential boundaries. God knows exactly what we will do because He has already saw us do them. Free will then is a matter of perspective: for those of us caught in time, the sign above the entrance to the Kingdom of God says, "Whosoever will, come," and when we've died and crossed that last river, we will look back over the entrance and see the engraved words, "You did not choose Me, I chose you."

These thoughs are strangely, oddly comforting. Although everything is predetermined, i am still free to act as i see fit, to do whatever i want to do. I understand there will always be consequences for my actions, but they are my actions. There is nothing that will shock or surprise God that i can do in this world, think or picture in my head, that He has not already seen and has forgiven me anyway. All my sins have been forgiven, and cast away from me as far as the east is from the west. Not only has God seen all that is darkness in my soul, He has also seen the Spirit inside a regenerated man; He has seen love, joy, peace, goodness, gentleness, kindness, self-control and patience start very small and end up flourishing; He has seen the transformation of who i used to be thru a renewing of my mind.... he is watching a child grow up in a state of grace and mercy. Just because my end is predetermined doesn't give me the ability or the justification not to live my life. My struggles with lust, gluttony, envy, and pride are like the struggles of a sick man recovering in a hospital, it is something you go thru on the way to being healthy. It makes me anxious for the end of my story to happen, to see and be the person God created me to be.

I've decided to go on a three day fast, but not for spiritual reasons (Jesus tells us not to announce our fasts for Him). I will pray, and do my hours and all, but i want to do this because i want to have some kind of self-control in my life to lose some pounds. It is about faith -- when the chips are down and you face external pressure and internal weakness, do you trust God or eat and drink to bring relief? For a long while now, for me, its been food and drink. Don't get me wrong, my gut isn't hanging over my belt buckle. However, i am at least 30 lbs overweight. It is one thing to come to this kind of intellectual assent, it is quite another thing to live by what you understand to be true. The next three days should be semi-interesting....

The end of another semester is here, and with this ending comes the attending stress and pressure of various deadlines. Tomorrow i am going to The Wife's end of semester recital, and afterwards i will be going to meet the principal for the school i will be doing my student teaching in next semester. After that, i have to finish my paper and begin the editing process. I will be a busy guy over the next few weeks.

I went to my writing class and was very encouraged about the response my paper evoked from my classmates and the professor. They all agreed the subject about Kerouac and post-war America was a book, and that i should start writing it as soon as possible. I was interesting to get feedback from other people; i was more than a little uneasy about submitting a rough draft for public evaluation. The Wife and i celebrated, as she had a very encouraging class today. Her professor loved her song that she will sing tomorrow, and told her not to change a thing!

Work continues to be a challenge, but that shot in the knee, plus the arrival of actual spring-like weather, seems to have made a difference with the swelling and the pain. The only added irritant that comes with spring is the accompanying protests on campus, May first was supposed to have been a walk out and general "strike" (from what -- sitting on your ass and being a student is working?) in support of illegal immigration... It has been said, by whom i have no idea, that if you are not a Liberal when you are in your 20s, then you probably don't have a heart; if you are not Conservative in your 40s, then you probably don't have a brain. I admire that these kids care for people, many of them women and children, but i despair at their support for ILLEGAL immigration. In every other nation in the world, borders mean something.

I am also getting more than a little irritated at the Radical Student Union and the young Republican club. Every time the Republicans have someone in, the radicals disrupt/protest them and a big deal is made by all. However, the Republicans go out of their way to get speakers who they know will drive Liberals and Democrats right up the tree, they want to provoke. Its like watching a drunk kitten chase its own tail and expecting something good to come of it. Oh, and not to be out done, the Gay, Lesbian and Transgender communities are protesting pretty much just because they can, and they are even more comative, pissed off, and miserable than they normally are, which is saying something.

Sometimes i think if an angel from heaven came down, and offered to make me 18 or 20 years old again, that i'd shoot him with a shotgun full of rocksalt and nails just to see if the feathers on his wings would say on or not. I am more and more convinced that youth is basically wasted on the young.

I've been praying a lot lately, and not just for God's blessings. It is humbling to understand the loving kindness and faithfulness He has had toward The Wife and myself. I keep thinking of the Psalm about the seasons of the year and how the mercy of the LORD endures forever. The moon is bright and full tonight, and i sense His Presence in the world about me, thru waht He has made. It is easy, sometimes, especially when it is a soft May night when everything is coming to life and bloom. Sometimes it pays to take out the iphones and to meditate upon the fact that God is good.

Time for either bed or a late movie, as i have also contracted the obligitory spring cold and sleeping is gonna be a challenge when i snore like a semi downshifting on the interstate. The Wife keeps prodding me awake to tell me to roll over and stop the snoring...

It has been a very wierd couple of days. You'd have to have been living in a hole not to know what is happening on the campus at Virginia Tech. It must be April, because there was a shooting at a school and its time for the Government to give me my money back they've been keeping "safe" for me.

I remeber the April of '99 Columbine shootings, how time stood still for an entire day. I was a Youth pastor, and that hit way close to home; i remeber the intense feelings that i experienced on that April day, both for the victims and the attackers. My heart broke for those kids who were just eating lunch or sitting in a classroom and then--BOOM--and the end came quickly and relentlessly without pity or sympathy.

All those kids in Colorado, all their parents, all their brothers and sisters and friends. I especially grieved as a teacher bled to death because the cops were so hung up on procedure they didn't enter the building quick enough to him on time. I remember especially feeling ambivalent about the attackers, as i don't buy the media's line about people like this being somehow different than the rest of us, insane or some kind of "monster." It made me wonder what had brought these kids to this kind of violent action, what kind of harsh reality that would give these kids this kind of mindset. I was also sorry they were able to kill themselves as it would have been a lot more just to let the courts do it for them. My only regret would be that the electric chair had been phased out and instead of being fried, they would just be drugged. I would hope that Messiah would get their souls while their bodies would be Uncle Sam's responsibility.

Now it is happening all over again, except this time the body count is higher and there was only one miserably unhappy shooter. 32 people dead. Death is final, complete, non-negotiable. That young man ended all of their might-have-beens and could-have-beens, all those hopes and dreams, all those lives living the own unique narratives. The greif and the anger and the anguish are shared by more people who knew each one of these daughters and sons and brothers and sisters and friends, all the multi-relational spheres a human being inhabits, all the personnas each person has to their lives. Plus, the gunman also denied the authorities and the families and our fellow citizens the opportunity to pronounce justice and end justly end his life as he ended so many others. I believe in the death penalty not because it is a deterenebt (because it isn't), but because justice is really an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. There is a reason why Justice is blind.

There were no innocent victims, in the VT shootings, there were only victims. There is no such animal as an innocent bystander, as Faith the rouge slayer said to Buffy the vampire slayer before starting a tiff surrounded by, ironically, college students. Faith was correct, as each one who died at VT had not only their lists of dreams and accomplishments, but also their own record of wrong done to others out of their own selfishness. They were normal, average, everyday people who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and we should mourn them as such. We should never speak ill of the dead, but neither should we make them saints or angels. They were no more guilty or innocent than any of us, and we should understand that this could have been us except by the grace of God.

I wonder about myself sometimes. I believe that society has to have justice to be functional, and i do support the death penalty. But as a Christian, on a personal level, i am to have mercy on those who wrong me just like God showed mercy on me for wronging Him. There is no option here, it can never be an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth for me; it must always be returning good for evil, forgiving those who have wronged me. I am reminded of an Asian couple who lost their son in a carjacking in the early 90s, who, after sitting each day in the trial of the man who had killed their boy until the jury had returned with a guilty verdict, arose after the sentencing and begged the court to have mercy on the perp, to release him into their custody and not incarcerate him for the rest of his life. I remember weeping as i read about this, and wonding like i am wondering now -- would i have the courage it would take to forgive the killer of a family member, especially if the judgment fell short of justice? Would i be able to forgive Cho if it had been my kid, my brother or sister, my niece or nephew, my friends that had died in those classrooms?

I am once again reminded that the world is a dangerous place, and as Bilbo Baggins once said to his nephew, leaving your house is a dangerous thing to do because you don't know where the road will take you. Suffering and sorrow happen arbitrarily and randomly, and there is no mortal alive that cannot be faced with his own mortality at any moment in time. I pray what i pray every night before i go to bed, but now especially for the families, friends, and the community of those who were gunned down at Vt:

"Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, sheild the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen."

My Grandparents were, like, from a different planet, a world where children very rarely smiled, even on the day when they took school pictures. When my Mom was sick, she went into hospice at my Aunt's house. In the afternoons i looked at many of the photo albums my Aunt had collected over the years. There in all their grimness were all my aunts and uncles; I swear to God these people never smiled, even at weddings.

My Mom was a direct product of being brought up these people who had, literally, survived the Great Depression and was facing WW II right up as it was unfolding. My Grandfather died just before the war, and all my Uncles were in WW II. All my Grandmother did was sit at her window in a rocking chair and worry without ever moving much. She had things to worry about, as her favorite boy died just after Normandy. My Aunt told me how she would leave to walk to school in the mornings and come home in the afternoons to find my Mom unattended, my Grandmother still in her rocking chair staring out the window.

My Mom wasn't a big smiler, and could be aloof and reserved. I have often wondered about these people, and about the days they lived in. I understand they were grim almost beyond belief, but i have visited Pentecostal Christians in Mexico who lived in cardboard and slat and cinder block housing who were a whole lot less grim in their situation than my family was in theirs. OK, so there were cultural differences, but still... why didn't their Pentecostal Christianity inform their temperments? Everyone of them had converted in the great western Pentecostal revivals in the 20s, and my Dad's father was a minister who began pentecostal works in South Dakota, Wyoming, and Nebraska.

My Mom's side was basically English and Irish, which explains the meloncholy (along with my Dad's northern European heritage -- its a wonder any of my immediate family can get outta bed in the morning) i grew up surrounded by and identified within myself. I write this blog because i think life here on this planent is a dangerous thing to experience. I admit that i am not someone who feels a great amount of happiness. However, i am almost overwhelmed by joy almost every day, a joy that has absolutely nothing to do with circumstances. I see humor everywhere, and have come to the conclusion that only those who can apreciate life for its harshness can really laugh about it. A smile for me is an instantaneous thing, usually. Jesus was a man of sorrows, and i can read His humor all thru the Gospels. Why are all the great commedians often vetrans of rehab? Now ya know.

I am in this mood today because i continue to grapple with what had been uncovered when The Wife and I went to counseling last August, and i was forced to rip off the dressing that covered some very old wounds that had to do with me being alone so much. I never thought it was all that big of a deal that i had no friends till High School, that i spent hours and hour wanding by myself outside by the crick, my ability to entertain myself for days simply by my imagination. I didn't look at it as being alone and alienated. Now I wonder if i am becoming a little like my Mom, like her brothers and sisters, forgetting that while i am in this world, and thus have to suffer the slings and arrows or outrageous fortune, that i am not of this world, and i should lighten up a little. I have been so little supported or encouraged within my lifetime that i have no idea how not to live as if i were alone. I have no clue about what to do with someone who loves me as much or more than i love them.

It was a lot easier when i was the offended party, heroic in my ability to love while i suffered, to forgive while i bled. It is something else to witness a restoration, and then have to turn your attention from someone else's falleness to your own shortcomings and darkness. The human heart is decietful above all else, who except God can know it? I have the opportunity now to have the relationship i have always wanted, to be the responsible man i know i can be, and i am flinching!? i look inside and i don't feel anything... Instead of hurt and pain and confusion and faith and grace and laughter i have some kind of weird void.

Tomorrow it is back to work, and this weekend will tell the tale about if i will be able to get into a discipline that will enable me to survive the work of this semester. Meanwhile, God has answered my deepest, most inwardmost prayers, and now i have to try to figure out whats next. What is a passive-aggressive guy to do that really can't afford to be defined way anymore? What do realative healthy and semi-well adjusted people feel like inside i wonder?

The Pats won today, so God is still seated in His heavens, and all is well in the universe (I've only had trouble refuting atheists when the Minesota Twins won the world serie, as what really can you say about God existing when that happens?). The Wife is in NYC with friends as it will be her birthday this week and i thought it would be cool for her to do the meet and greet.

I went out to the Spoke last night and had closure with T. She was drunk off her ass, as usual, and in deserate need of a ride home, altho for what reason i don't know why as T usually could get an entire athletic teams to take her home. She told me this was probably the last time i'd get the chance to sleep with her, and she wouldn't tell anyone. This time i wasn't even remotely tempted, and explained that i couldn't, as a) i was trying to get my marriage back together and b) i am just not wired for one night stands with deeply drunk people, both of us deserved better, and lastly c) i can't do something that isn't honest, and all i'd be doing is taking selfishly for myself without giving anything. I need to be able to look at myself in the morning when i shave.

It was weird! No angst, existential or otherwise was experienced. At all. I knew exactly who and whose i was, and there was no doubt, no hesitation. Whatever has been the dark attraction is done now, dead Gotta say i have no idea what the hell happened, except that God is faithful.

I left then, and was pretty sure that she probably wouldn't have any memory of what transpired that night. But she said she did when i saw her tonight while the game was on -- they have HiDef at the Spoke and free foodage! She was mostly sober, and really didn't say much. To be honest, i didn't try to tell her i said those things, rejected her, because i was a Christian and believed the Ten Commandments really aren't the Ten Suggestions. T has a serious chip on her shoulder when it comes to what she, with a sneer in her voice and on her face, calls dogma, and this would only reinforce the idea that dogma is irrational and hurtful. I went with what i thought was the most gentle and kind course of action that reflected Christ in me. She was quiet and a little withdrawn, so i guess i really don't know what's going thru her mind.

Everyday when I pray for The Wife i pray that God not only heals her physically but spiritually as well as He exists outside of time as well as in it, and to Him, in a way i think, everything is actually happening at once. I wonder if when i pray for her, about specific hurts she has endured in her past, if God doen't minister to them as they happen? It only struck me recently that perhaps i should pray for myself in the same way. I pray this way not because i actually thinks this happens, because Scripture doesn't speak of it and its just my own speculation. I want both of us to regain some kind of equalibrium, some kind of healthy stability. I think the way to begin this is to make my own house in  order.

I have to work the early shift tomorrow, so its time to go to bed. Its gonna be a short week this week as we are heading to hell, i mean Indianna, on wednesday. So it is goodnight tonight knowing my heart is a little lighter and my long dark night is actually starting to be over.

I have to admit that this Christmas season kinda snuck up and surprised me. Since my Mom died at the beginning of December four years ago, I've made it back to Nebraska each year. It was not hard to get into the Christmas spirit surrounded by all my nephews and neices and the hustle and bustle of the Scottsbluff Super Walmart! But this year I am staying around, and it has been weird. It is the first time The Wife and I have celebrated the holiday together in years and years, and while the fact that we are bodes well in rebuilding our relationship, it is still kinda strange.

What will make it stranger is that her Mom and brother are coming up from CT tomorrow. The last time The Wife and I celebrated Christmas together was in CT with her Mom and brother and things were just fine. However, we were not hosting the event, and The Wife's Mother has a general tendency to freak out under the stress of cooking holiday meals. On top of all this, I have to admit that my name is Martin, and I am a Christmas Eve shopper. That's correct, i have bought no one presents or shopped for any gifts yet; i am a bad, bad man.

So it is off to the mall this afternoon. I need to get a haircut (for the little I have left on the top), get The Wife a present, and probably shop for some food while at the same time resisting temptation to watch "The Good Shepherd" at the multiplex. I love spy movies. "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" is my favorite movie, in my number one slot of my all time top five movies, followed closely by Roxanne, Groundhog Day, The Tao of Steve, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Work was awesome yesterday! The kids were gone, and it was a slow F,F, G & T day: Foreign kids, Freaks, Geeks, and Townspeople. I now have three entire days off, and I'm so happy just thinking about it that I almost wet myself just now. Gotta be careful.I wrote some stuff that I hope to post either later today or tomorrow on some scrap paper, it was so slow.

The Wife locked her keys and cell phone in the car yesterday, and didn't get home till late. I was both pissed and a little worried as it was dark, raining, and the roads were full of moron BoBos in SUVs here for the holidays. I have to admit that I pretty much just melded with the couch, ate chocolate, and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas on TBS. I hate it when I am so inert that I do not do my Offices and pray. I doubt if God is amused either. When she finally made it home she was discouraged and tired, so we snuggled up  on the couch , began to watch the beginning of Heat, and then went to bed.

Which wasn't a good idea. She had gone to some chiropracter  who was also some Budhist ex nun or something and during the night both big toes and the thumb on her left hand went numb and began to hurt. THAT was fun.... she woke me up for that experience. Didn't get up till noon, I walked the dogs, and posted on vox. So now its time; once more into the breach, band of brothers (and sisters).... PS, any one wanna buy two dogs with mental health issues? I will not even attempt to describe what happened on our walk this morning, except to say why don't sqirrels die and decompose up in trees? Yeesh.