17 posts tagged “the wife”

The 4th has always been one of my favorite American holidays. On of the most vivid memories i have was of a 4th of July in my early 20s, watching the sun set in the western Nebraska sky. I will never forget the vivid yellow, the bright orange, or the mood i was in watching that particular day come to an end. The basic contradiction and paradox of being self-aware hit me that evening, and i was gripped by how quickly life passes by while just how ancient the world was by the time i was sitting there, looking out the window.

Today was very different from that day. It promised rain all day, then delivered on the promise, and then some. I went to meet an old friend i hadn't seen in quite a while who was visiting the area. He had his girl friend with him, and i was impressed; she was as smart as she was pretty. We had quite the lively conversation at a local Mexican taco shop, which included The topics of orthodoxy, universalism, freewill and predestination, discipline vs punishment, and God's grace. I enjoy our time together immensely.

By the time the parade was supposed to start it was raining at a pretty good clip and i hate parades in the rain. Me and the Mrs. decided to hit a favorite Greek establishment in South Hadley. It was a very good meal, i enjoyed The Wife's company We came back to Amherst and went to the local crafts store down by the strip mall. Afterwards we went home, and i decided to hit the movies while she got ready for a party. I saw the Transformers, which was actually a better movie than it had any right to be with what it had as subject matter. It was a fun movie.

I went to the Spoke to catch a beer while the Wife was still getting ready. Some of the old regulars were there, as well as some new people drinking for the holiday. I met a very pretty and a very drunk young lady who was born way after her time; she should have been born and come of age in the post war years. She knew a lot about the Beats, especially about Jack Kerouac, had lived overseas for a time, and was into folk music. She was from the Midwest, and had lived in Detroit and Chicago. And, she loved basketball. I'll be honest: it took a lot not to hit on this kid (She was a college grad, i don't know if the word "kid" actually fits) -- i may be older, but i swear she has an old soul. It is a good thing that i love God and my wife.

I have also been able to consistently do my Offices for the last couple of days, and to meditate up the quote i gave on my last blog.

"The first gate of entry to noetic Jerusalem - that is, to attentiveness of the intellect - is the deliberate silencing of your tongue, even though the intellect itself may not yet be still. The second gate is balanced self-control in food and drink. The third is ceaseless mindfulness of death, for this purifies intellect and body."
St. Philotheos of Sinai. Forty Texts on Watchfulness.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning, then work. I better get to bed...

OK, so i am back--back to work, back to the union stuff, back to school. My knee is better, but it is still sore as hell. What is worse, i returned to find out i still work for morons. It is times like these when i am reminded of the Stoics. They believed that they shouldn't worry about any of the things that they could not control because expectations are the source of all misery. So i am going  to concentrate on letting go of the things that bug me, because my managers will be stupid no matter what actions i do or do not take. Take tomorrow -- please. The person who is supposed to help me tomorrow called out. So what if i run outy of product, I can still just sell coffee if i run out. Why worry or frett about whether i can restock or if there will be enough stuff for the night? Do i think i'm working for a commision?

It looks like i seriously need to lose some wieght if i am gonna have that opperation. I hate losing wieght, as i am compulsive and selfish by nature and hate to change any behavior or routine that i like or that gives me comfort. On the other hand, i have done this before, i have lost a serious amount of wieght when i found out the thyroid died. I also used to be an athlete, i actually used to have the discipline needed for this endevour.

I've been having a small debate, hardly worth mentioning, really, with a guy here on vox about athiesm and ethics. I thought about it today, about how our assumptions color our behavior. Many Christians claim that God exists and then they live like He doesn't, which is too bad, but there it is. This doesn't make them skeptics, or godless, or sociopaths, it just makes them hypocrits.  Many an athiest claims that God does not exist, and lives their lives  to a higher moral code than some Christians. What did Jagger sing in "Sympathy for the Devil?"  All the criminals are saints, all the saints are sinners? Life is full or paradox and contradictions.

Yet there is something to be said about ethic based upon "revelation" versus ethics based upon an inward subjectivism based upon rationalism. Believe it or not, most religious expressions, from the Egyptian Book of the Dead to the Bible to the Koran to the Sutras of Buddhism have simimiler ethical and moral cores. CS Lewis, in his book "The Abolition of man" has at the end a kind of universal Tao. Bad or misguided men and women may act something different, but they are judged by an unchanging standard, and few Christians could, with a straight face, justify the Crusades or the Spanish Inquisition. Although motivation may be complex, and the human heart far too devious to understand, actions are simple to interpret. Mercy is still mercy, even when the motives of the merciful are less than pure. One may spout Christian doctrine while in the midst of rape and murder, but thier own Scripture condemns them.

But for a system of ethics based purely on subjectivity and ego -- there are no firewalls. Why was Stalin or Hitler or Mao or Pol Pot a monster? Especially for someone inside the system? Why was it wrong for them to kill so many? Ideologically they had their justification. They had the power. Why were they wrong to do what they did if, from the rationalistic view, the ends will always in some way justify the means? I run into students and professors every day that say National Socialism, or Communism, is still a good idea, that these men simply distorted what Marx was saying. When atheist and Coimmunist historian Eric Hobsbawm was asked, "What it comes down to is saying that had the radiant tomorrow actually been created, the loss of fifteen, twenty million people might have been justified?" he immediately said yes... Yet what if, as many have done, argue that what these men did was simply cause and effect? That  far from these men being the exception, that they were the norm, that they were the logical results of men who assumed that there was no God -- Friedrick's ubermen? It made me value Robert Conquest's  history of the 20th century all the more.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, things are going well. The Wife and i are sharing this Mac, and we are at the place when it is no longer viable to share a laptop. I found a two year old 12" G4 Power Book (the grey ones) for $750, and placed a down payment on it. I have no idea how we will be able to pay for the rest, but often where there is a need there is a solution. This week i have a rough draft of my paper due, and the week after that  my paper is due for my other class. I need to finish this up-- i have over 20 pages written, but i need to edit everything a put in footnotes and a bibliography. Meanwhile, i am looking forward to services tomorrow -- God has been so good to me, and i and The Wife has been so happy the last two weeks. It is actually hard to write this without weeping... So, i guess its time to work on my paper.

Here i am, being a good boy, working in the salt mine, putting in the work on my paper. There aren't all that many weeks left for school to be in session and time is becoming very short. I am a little over half done with the paper, so i rewarded myself with Battlestar Galactica season one on DVD last night. Can i just say that the movie that opened the series was a complete masterpiece? Ok, i will-- what a great story arch. I still can't believe that the last season doesn't start till January of next frigging year...

I have been keenly aware of my attitude the last couple of days, and am actually suprised by just how angry and short-tempered i have become. I didn't think it was too bad, because i have been aware all my life that i have a dangerous temper and have purposely trained myself to have an incredibly long fuse. (it is my theory that most people who are considered "easy-going" and "laid back" are born of this situation) But then i thought, what if i wasn't me, and there were people listening and watching what i was saying to myself and watching by myself inside my mind? This turned out to be very challenging, embarrassing, and alarming because i say and feel and do things in my mind that are rated beyond NC-17, and that is only beginning with imagining running down, forcing off the road, and dragging the person out of the driver's seat and beating slowly to death those who have cut me of in traffic, something i think two or three times a day.

What is really depressing (and strangely reassuring) is the sure knowledge that there is Someone who hears and sees this stuff, Someone who not only knows the inner desires and fantasies of the heart, but not only knows the root, knows the motivation for these things, knows why i do and think the way i do -- Who knows me better than i know myself. This wouldn't be a bad thing if it was a being who was like a hired therapist and was there to listen and be nonjudgmental and suggust courses of actions for my consideration to ammend my ways. It is catastrophic that it is the God who is there, the God of Abraham, Jacob, and Issac who is the Creator and judge of all. God's grace and mercy thru Jesus is the only hope i have. Blessed is the one whose sins are no longer counted against them...

I started doing my Offices again, but fell down where i usually fall down, which is on my days off. I get up late, i miss Morning  and Noon prayers, and Vespers. I also miss Evening prayers because i am actually sleeping with the Mrs., and we talk about the day or we get to know one another in the biblical sense. I have a routine on work days, and have my Book of Common Prayer and my Bible with me in my book bag. So today i did my morning prayer, and am planning to do the Noon prayer before i meet with Robert, my Pastor and pal. My prayer for myself is to be transformed by the renewing of my mind, and for the Holy Spirit to work and heal not only my body physically but spiritually as well, in my memory, in my emotions, in the places where this world and other people have intentionally and unintentionally left scars in me. I'm tired of being angry, short tempered, judgmental, and sad.

I grew up thinking that my prayer life was an end in itself, instead of a means to strengthen the inner man that was created, regenerated by the Holy Spirit at conversion. This misconception was a huge part of the unspoken theology and praxix of other Pentecostals around me, of being saved by grace yet kept in my salvation by good works. I had no idea good works and obediance to God spring from gratitude instead of duty. I know this: when i take my prayer beads with me, and pray the Jesus Prayer, that a sense of peace and calm is instant as i speak the words "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Messiah said that He had come to give life, and that more abundantly, so here i am understanding this life is agift that has already been given to me.

Well back to the salt mine. Hopefully i will be somewhere around page 20 at the end of the day, and will be able to reward myself with another episode of Battlestar Galactica.

Anyone remember a horrible yet very cool horror movie called Fright Night? The geek, who plays a very sarcastic ironic best friend to the innocent and clueless hero very well, keeps telling the main character that "you're so cool, Brewster" in this high pitched, crackling voice. For the last week or so i've been hearing that exact voice in my head... Remember the last post? Oh yeah. The Wife was late for class (again), and was not only told off by the others in her section (its a vocal performance class) but was also warned by her professor about possibly having to give up leading a section next semester if it happens again. When i did not come to pick her up, she took the bus home (in my defense, she didn't call, but THATS a pretty sad excuse on my part), and when she got home and found me still asleep from my post blog nap, we had an earnest disscussion, a give and take dialogue in which calmer heads did not prevail. However, we did eventually make up (in the biblical sense), and i'd rather fight with her than anyone else. Damn, what is the matter with me that i can't see what's right in front of my face relationship-wise?

Work has been pretty tough lately, the body has been staging it's own protest rallies after work. I am in trouble a bit with my weight again, not in that i am sloppy fat or anything, but in that i seem to have reaquired that cumpulsive eating pattern again in dealing with stress in my life. I thought i'd fast from today through Sunday morning as it is Good Friday and Sunday is Easter, and all i did today was argue with myself in my head about the stuff i wanted to eat. I gotta get a handle on this, not because i want to look a certain way, but because one either has control of one's habits, or they have control of you; not to have control of those habits is a miserable way to live a life.

I have been doing fair with my paper. I have about eleven pages done, and i think i am building a convincing argument from my thesis on Jack Kerouac in the context of the American post-WW II years. The wife read my introduction and she was very encouraging. I do need to get maybe one or two other's opinions, tho. You reading this Macho Mike?

I added a couple of new songs to the ipod -- Martinis and Bikinis by Sam Philips and Audioslave's I Am the Highway and Like A Stone. I know i've said this before, but i really am enjoying the 2nd generation Nano. I listened to my Pink Floyd collection while i was off-loading a bunch of product in the library today. The Gov. was in the library today, posing with the books and pretending to be "The Education Gov. for the state of Massachusetts." They blocked off my normal resupply route while he was filming his commercial, and people who actually work for a living had to disrupt their routines because of this bozo. I am so fucking sick of politics. My first reaction, when he came in, was to think that everthing's messed up because of another dishonest politician. I guess i was a little jaded because all i've been reading in the papers the last couple of days have been about Obama out fundraising Hillary, and knowing they are all rich anyway. I handed in a tax return that said i made 25k for all of last year.

To top off my distaste of politics, my grad class weekly book assignments about the formation of American culture in the 20th century are invaribly is written by some Leftist radical left over in academia from the 60s or the early 70s, and all they have managed to do is piss me off. I took Ms. Scarlett's political test and was a bit to the left of the cross in the graf, so i am not some die hard conservative. I just hate jargon as it reveals such a weakness of argument; i hate an author who is glaringly into will to power mode trying to convince me his/her marginalized minority community speaks for the majority of the nation...

So i'm in a bit of a bad mood tonight... guess i need to hit the sack. Perhaps if i get some sleep i won't be hearing "you're so cool, Brewster" in my head anymore.

So I called the championship game for the NCAA tourney, that Florida would repeat. Its just I ain't gonna get anything for my efforts because my pal didn't get my $20 min on time. I missed out on some bucks, dammit. Oh well, it was a good tourney anyway, and i really enjoyed the games this year.

I went to class this afternoon, and my God was i bored almost to tears, We are to the point where we are presenting our projects, with certain people are assigned responses. In theory this is a cool idea for peer input and feedback. In reality it is a way for people who have written nothing that has been published to critique your work, which since you aren't exactly published either means that it is easy to deal with this critique from your peers in a secure, mature way. I'm thinking of curling up into a ball and hiding under my bed when my turn to present comes...

I was really, really late for class today. The Wife was feeling off, and was running behind as well. I had four minutes to be in class, and she said,"take the car and i'll take the bus." I thought this was a good idea, my class was now, and hers was in another 40 minutes. I dressed, yelled goodbye (after forgetting my phone) and ran out the door. I was late, but i found a very good parking place. By then, of course, it was raining. After class i went home to find my phone beeping with a couple of messages. It was The Wife, and i must say she was NOT happy. She didn't hear me say goodbye, and she was late as well. She was performing in class today, and didn't have enough time to shower, catch the bus and get ready. Plus, it was rainy steadily by then...

I think i am doomed. I think way to literally, and i don't have the ability to meet the expectations any woman probably would reasonably demand. Looking back i know exactly what i should have done: i should've waited till she was ready, dropped her off at school, then went to my class. I might have been late, but at least i would've been thinking about someone else instead of myself. I am doomed because i'm 43, and i know that, although i am capable of tweaking some behavior here and there, that i am incapable of any major changes driven by my temperment. The reason why i drop the ball so many times when it comes to The Wife is because i have so many things on my mind, and then when she forces me to look at what i just did, its one more thing. I don't feel like i'm floating in some ocean, i feel like i fell over board and am submerged, under the water; i feel overwhelmed all the time.

I had my annual check up yesterday, and it was determined that i am getting old. Yeah, it came as a shock to me as well. Turns out i have a cyst (sp?) in my knee, as well as arthritis. Sigh... I even heard the term "knee replacement," which wasn't a word i really wanted to hear until i was, say, 80. Of course, that isn't feasable at "my weight." I need some comfort and some affirmation (no, not the Stuart Smally type, altho people do like me...), and as usual people are either way to hurt themselves or are too preoccuppied with their own circumstances. I'd say i really miss my Mom, except i never could depend on either from that front anyway. I think i'm gonna take a nap.

I am still at 50% as the Final Four was whittled down to the final two and Florida survived to play again. I haven't done this well overall in the tourney in years, i'm so happy. I'm so happy i am close to forgetting that my knees hurt badly enough all day today that i am considering calling in to work tomorrow, or that i have only four more weeks left before the end of the semester until i face Judgment Day, the end of the semester.

I have about ten pages on my Kerouac paper on religion, American gnosticism, and modernity. Spent the day reading, when i could, Elaine Pagel's The Gnostic Gospels. I gotta say, i am beginning to figure out how some load of crap spirituality so blatently self-centered survived for so long. It can subvert almost any type of belief system, eventually engulfing it thru negation... those gnostics may use that vocabulary of the original belief, but it has been transformed into esoteric trip inside the self. Nifty. I am so glad 2nd and 3rd century Christianity put a halt to THAT hostile takeover... The only problem is that Harold Bloom is right, gnosticism has become the American Religion, and that is chiefly because Jungian psychotherepy was blatently gnostic.

The Wife is suffering from some pretty severe menstral symptoms. Have i mentioned the fact that i fall to my knees every day and thank God that i am not female? I gotta admit, there is no way i am tough enough to cope with half the shit The Wife does, and my wife doesn't have any coping mechanisms. She has been very cool these last couple of weeks, a return to who she was when we first were married lo these many moons ago. I am so glad i robbed the craddle and married someone ten years younger than me, especially when she decides to be friendly... Yay!

I am planning to hit worship service tomorrow morning, especially as i missed last week. The sermon Robert preached was entitled "Out of the Closet," based on Mark about the Transfiguration, and i was told a 6'5" transvestite in a very nice dress decided to come to service. I feel bad about missing that, as i am such a fan of irony. To hit the service in time tho, i'm going to have to cut off the Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon that i am engaged in tonight -- season four, the Bufster hits college and meets the only strong male character ever introduced on BtVS, mister Finn.

I watched the season finale of Battlestar Galactica. I liked it, although Kara is gonna take some explaining. I've read some fan blogs here on vox, and i only read one other blog that postulated that Tigh and the others are not Cylons, but that their time under Cylon custody was used to program them, a la The Manchurian Candidate. I am still bummed about how long it will take for a new ep, but only 9 months? I've been waiting for the new Harry Potter a hell of a lot longer that that. Speaking of which, i studied the cover of the new book the other day and am intrigued as it seems that Harry was standing in the ampitheater that had the arch where Sirius disappeared... i still strongly suspect that we have not seen the last of the noble House of Black.

Time to count some sheep...

Things here are looking up, wheather -wise anyway. It was very nice today, i didn't have to wear a jacket. This is much better than the cold in every way except one: with warm weather comes women who believe this to be a license to take off most of their clothes. Yikes!

I am a pretty committed heterosexual, so the advent of warm weather is an ambivilent time for me. On the one hand, i like women and the less clothes, the better. Woo Hoo! On the other hand, i am a Christian and i understand that lust is a blast furnace that consumes the good and the beautiful, that only takes and never gives, and ultimately leaves a person with the taste of unfulfilled expectations and ashes in their mouths. It isn't one of the 7 deadly sins just because of an arbitrary choice God made in order to be a killjoy, there are real consequences... Can a guy appreciate beauty without trying to control and have it selve his desires and needs? I think so, but cha gotta watch what your doing.

I find that as i walk across campus that to look the young lovelies right in the eye first off, before checking out the rest, helps me deal. If I can see a young woman in their eyes, a person with hopes and dreams, someone who is some one's daughter/sister/wife and who has been created in the image of God and is a person due my respect, it is much easier to resist temptation. It is awfully hard to objectify a woman in a male fantasy if you can make that kind of connection....

I had class today, and had a real live literary agent as a guest speaker. It depressed the hell outta me, i must admit. I honestly wondered if it hurt to lose your soul, and if , when he shaved in the morning, that he had a reflection in the mirror. It seems as if you can't make money off your idea, you can't really write about it. Fucking B&N. But i did talk to my professor after class, and i am pretty enthusiastic about my Kerouac project. I'll at least have an appreciative auduence of one, and she's the one giving out the grades.

Went to The Spoke to drop off $20 and my NCAA brackets and lo, T was there have an afternoon drink. It seems the gentleman she had been assisting died, and she is in between work. Talking to her was incredibly akward, and i dunno why. I lost my phone, so i lost her number. It was such a strange encounter that i would have felt weird asking for her #, so i didn't. Whatever happened to being a friend and an advocate without sex coming into it? Oh well, it is probably for the best.

Ate with The Wife and had a pretty painful discussion about where we were at as a couple. It seems my destiny to disappoint every woman that is unlucky enough to cross my path, for better or for worse, for the rest of my life. I have never felt, even as a small child, that i could ever measure up.  "For the rest of your life" is a phrase that continues to echo in my mind as i deal with my closest interpersonal relationships. Sometimes, i just get tired and drop off the radar screen, disappear and stay away from most human contact. But this is the only way i have ever dealt with this continued sense of disappointment, and have come to realize just how extremely unhealthy withdrawing into myself and excluding everyone is bad, this is not the well-worn path to contentment and happiness.

HouseChurch isn't been exactly helping me much, but then again i don't attend based upon utilitarian, pragmatic reasons. I go because it does me good to mingle with the elect, and because this is something important to God. I need to focus on the needs of others for a while, instead of being so introspective. Oh well, i don't have to walk across campus again till friday, and who knows, it may turn cold by then....

Yesterday and today have been hard days, metallic days, shiney hard and smooth. Woke up yesterday to find my left leg and foot still swollen. This isn't good because the swelling usually goes down every night. In '91 i had a concrete truck roll up both my legs when they were on top of each other and my left was on the bottom. They had to dig my legs outta the road. They thought they were gonna have to amputate that leg, but God is good and the muscle actually reformed from the mush 14000 pounds made of my calf muscles.

I went to the doc and the long and short of it is i now have to wear a compress stocking to try to deal with the swelling. All day yesterday i had Neil Young's "Old Man" tune in my head -- my subconscience thinks it has a sense of humor. But i am feeling a bit old these days. A lot of the college kids, especially the girls, are beginning to look a lot like they were 12 instead of 18 or 19 yrs old. Did i ever look that young? Probably.

I started my Jack Kerouac paper, and am actually done with my rough draft intro and am into the body of the paper. Its just me, my style: I have to have the thesis and argument stated to write anything -- i could never ever write the paper and then put an introduction to it. Perhaps in my next blog i will insert some of it into my post? I think i have the beginning of a pretty good paper.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Wife and i are headed to "Weigh Down Workshop" land. 315 lbs is what the doc's scale had on it yesterday before i stepped off, 315 FUCKING pounds!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I know i haven't published my pic on here, but believe me when i say i look no where close to that amount of weight. My gut does not hang over my belt buckle, and i do not jiggle when i walk. I am 6'5", and i am actually "big boned," and it isn't just another way of saying fat as hell. i have a 60" chest, a 38" waist and knees that wanna give up the ghost and surrender their spirit into the hands of God. So it is now watch what i eat time.... which makes me about as grumpy as a bear interupted from hibernation in mid-winter. Oh well.

Tomorrow will be the third week of Lent. I have been having a lot of trouble staying with my devotional life. I hit the Spoke last night just to watch ESPN and, i must admit, to admire all the young lovelies gathered together to socialize. No one told me, warned me, that middle age would be a lot like adolecence, just without the acne. I'll just say it -- i haven't been this horny since i was 17 years old. The only good thing about this time around is i have a bit of life experience to counter act the hormone surge, and some self-control. I am full aware of the presence of God, and also have experienced the love of a committed and heavenly Father. If i discipline myself, He doesn't have to is the very valuable lesson i have learned between those years and now. But i just gotta say -- women are just so cool -- everything about them is just a mystery that must be figured out or experienced. Hopefully one of these days i will find myself to old for this bullshit of sensuous temptation...

Today i was back to work at the university. Whenever i come back on Fridays i have to do extra work, because no one ever takes up the slack when i'm gone. This does not make me happy, or make for a fun fun fun day. This usually means i have to hump a huge amount of product over to the library loading dock and come home fricking tired.

I went to Applebees last night in an attempt to get something done and pretty much completed my bibliography for the Kerouac paper. Now i gotta annotate the entries. I have way more material on Kerouac and the Beats than i thought, and this should be an interesting paper. Kerouac walked a pretty fine line between the contradictions in his life, a line between belief and atheism, between spirituality and hedonism, and between the materialism of the American middle class and identification with the fellaheen. Which fits in perfect to my thesis of Christianity, American Gnosticism, and Modernity in America in the middle of the 20th century.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Wife and i are trying to find a good time to eat a birthday dinner for me. Yup, next Wednesday i will turn the ripe old age of 43. I had no idea i'd ever live long enough to get THIS old. One of the clearest memories i have is when i was in fourth grade, and at noon i held the door open for the High School kids and thought to myself that it would take forever to get old enough to be their age. I also have a memory from grade school on my birthday when i was a 6th grader. I dug in behind a yucca plant on the slope of the sandhill behind the school on a beautiful bluesky Nebraska day and watched the world go by at recess. That was a good memory, and it was one of the clearer ones from that time in my life i possess.

I need to hit the libray at Amherst College because i need to read two books before Monday by 9:00 PM. This schedule is interesting. I still need to get in my books for the Azusa paper from B&N. That paper may well be the better paper of the two, i believe i might have an actual chance to get that one actually published, or at least read.

I'm looking forward to the fun fun fun tho, my birthday as only an excuse to spend time with an amazing and preplexing woman i call my wife. I think that i will never even begin to know her, not ever. But trying to get to the bottom of why my wife is unique as my wife is far better than what i was doing before i was married; my life sucked on a scale i flinch to think of even as i remember as i write right now. So let my birthday come. Fun fun fun!